The people in the groups only spoke in English, and I tried to engage in dialogue outside of the comments on the videos. I remember how one sobering incident happened when I went into a discussion where people were leaving their opinions about the photograph of a person in front of them. I left a nice message about the photo of the person who left the last comment. The following comment after mine was: – “gloomy man”. It was very unpleasant for me to read this comment. I liked the photo I took with the camera of my phone. I made it specifically so that my hair hid the balding areas of my head, but my mental state was not hidden in that black and white photograph. Before that, I had an old photograph where I was about fourteen years old, when I still had no scar on my lip, and I was still beautiful and with full, slightly curled, hair.
It is a fact that because of that photo beautiful young girls added me to the friend list and asked me if the photo was mine. And one of them, the only one with whom I was having a conversation on Myspace, openly called me beautiful. That girl was from India. She was a little older than me. She found me in a group dedicated to the TV series “The X-Files”. I do not know why, just as I do not remember how, but in the course of our different conversations she said that she was a virgin. Among other things, I told her about Thiaoouba and about many other things that I mentioned in this book. We corresponded in English, and the conversation was not always easy because we both did not speak the language perfectly. I knew that she had another friend on Myspace who did not need to use old photographs to show everyone his beauty. The girl herself never gave me any pictures of her.
From the groups English films and English TV shows on “ВКонтакте”, a girl Ira and her friend on the network who, as it turned out, lived on a nearby street from me, also added me to the friend list. In the process of correspondence with me, Ira wanted to meet with me and with her friend. Then I became uncomfortable because of my appearance and my lip. I began to think that she might not like me, or that something even more terrible would happen, and because of the fear that had formed, I began to refuse to go to the meeting and I did not go anywhere. And could I go anywhere anyway with my serious health problems? Then I almost never left my house, lying in bed almost all day.
There were times when life forced me to urgently put my attention in order. For example, the time when my recently filled front tooth started aching too much. That year I had to fill eighteen teeth at a free city clinic, and the caries in that single tooth was not completely removed. Despite the terrible constant aching pain, I was able to be fully concentrated, which allowed my body and minds to relax and I was again completely healthy. The dentist cleaned the canals and filled the tooth, which only occasionally reminded of itself since then. But I remember how dental filling crushed my sense of sexuality; I felt “damaged”, which for some time affected my self-confidence and desire to seek relationships with girls.
This was another moment when I had yet another proof that psychology, and not masturbation, affects my health – which, of course, does not make masturbation the right thing. But we are only interested in facts, and they say that it was my displeasure and indignation that overwhelmed me every time after masturbating in porn videos, were the main (but not the only) reason for my poor physical condition. I still could not help but masturbate after abstinence for several days, as thoughts about sex did not give me rest. I often motivated this by the thought that I just would not think badly of myself when I do my thing. But each time my mood fell significantly, and I blamed myself for my weakness, and my calmed heart began pounding again, which forced me to sit at home again.
There was another case that occurred in the fall of another year, when I decided to go out for a walk with a trembling heart. As it often happened at that time, I walked along the streets, but I hardly paid any attention to the environment, blaming myself in my head for all the mistakes I made. In the middle of Preobrazhenskiy Val street, not far from the Semenovskaya metro station, I felt unwell, and I began to panic greatly. I was very far from home – almost three times further than when I felt unwell on Boytsovaya Street. I stopped at the railway line and began to focus on things happening around me – the sound of car engines, the talk of passers-by, the views that surround me and the feeling of cold air blowing around my face – all that was reality around me. The result? I was completely healthy again, and instead of going back home I calmly walked on and turned onto Tkatskaya Street. I think that this was exactly the day when I was returning home along Borisovskaya Street, and along the very railway at the other passage of which I had to urgently put my mind in order, I first saw a passing train. Why am I mentioning this? I can only say that there is such thing as “synchronicity”, which more than once will play a role in my life.
Thus, I had an unusual dream in which I was killed in a shootout in some American store. Then a light appeared in the sky and in a deep male voice said something about life and work as a train driver in another life, glimpses of which were shown in the dream. It was a strange dream, but I can see a certain symbolism in it.
Returning to my experience with social networks, in the end I began to devote more time to Facebook where on May 15, 2010 I joined the group “Thiaoouba Prophecy XP”, dedicated to the book of Michel Desmarquet.
Then I gave that Indian girl a link to my page, but she was not interested in Facebook.
I do not remember exactly what happened next, whether it was some strange misunderstanding due to our not-so-good knowledge of English, or something else happened, but I wrote the Indian girl a final message where I wrote about my thoughts regarding the arising misunderstanding. The impression from her messages was that she wanted to be my girlfriend, but because of the great distances and financial situation this was impossible, even if this impression turned out to be true. I wrote her about this.
I think that in any case I was thinking of deleting my page on Myspace, since there was nothing on that former social network that would keep me there except for that girl. After my message I went to her page where it became more than clear to me that she was telling everything to her other beautiful friend, who wrote a comment about me, that he could not believe that such people could exist at all… So that this book does not get age rating of 18+ I cannot describe what I wanted to do with him if the anonymity of the Internet did not prevent me from finding him… I deleted my page, but the effect was felt for a long time… too long…
On May 24, 2010, I published a note in VK about my then experience with Thiaoouba and why I knew that that book was true and, therefore, the information written in it was very important. Given the lack of comments and one single “like” from an unknown person to this day, we can safely say that almost no one cared. To be precise, there was one comment from a long-time childhood friend asking me to let him “smoke the thing” too, but for some reason that comment is no longer under my note. In any case, my friend did not read everything carefully, or did not take the topic seriously (or maybe he just did not believe me), since we already have in our body everything necessary for seeing Aura, telekinesis, astral projection, etc., and therefore, we do not need to go to any special place and “smoke” something there to get this
There was a time when I woke up in the middle of the night to hear that same friend telling someone under my window bad things about me. It was not pleasant, but I continued to sleep.
In general, I then very often wrote something on my page and tried to communicate with other friends of mine, both old and new. I wanted to be the same as everyone else – normal. Sometimes because of this I spent a lot of time on all kinds of nonsense just to have the illusion that I was not alone. At least, I suppose that subconsciously this was the reason.
But I had some bright times too when I tried to take a break from VK and groups. Moreover, I removed myself from those two groups many a time, but then I asked the new administrator, whom we also often talked with from the time we met in the film group, to add me back and make me admin again. This may sound strange, but I could not get rid of those two groups. I could not live in that unbearable emptiness, which formed when I removed myself from them, and therefore I returned to have some activity again and not be alone.
At the beginning of August 2010, I created a VK group dedicated to Thiaoouba Prophecy. At the very beginning, there were several dozen people in it, some of whom even wrote something and asked questions. But then everything calmed down, and in that group there was almost no activity on the part of other people until this day, March 25, 2020. Fortunately, the situation is slightly different in the group on Facebook.
About a year had passed since I experienced the influence of social networks. During that year, I was still trying to write scripts, and sometimes I was able to get out of my mind and live in a refreshing present. But I essentially did nothing, except to spend time watching something on the computer.
That fall, I had a dream in which I was told roughly the following: “If you don’t start working, we will take you in November”. Under the words “we” and “will take” I understood that Thiaooubians would free my Astral body – in other words, I would die. This may seem surprising, but after all the troubles and continuing serious problems with health and housing, I realized that I not only did not want to die, but I loved my life and would not change anything at all if I was given a chance to relive it again. Yes, I experienced so much suffering, but I also learned a lot in this life, and I treasured that knowledge and my experience with Thiaoouba! And after that moment, I began to slowly make changes in my life.
One of these changes was that for the first time I found the strength to tell my old friends and acquaintances the whole truth about myself – something that I was thinking about doing when I went to the village during the first summer after I learned the truth about stuttering, but could not. I wrote that message for several days and wrote in it about everything that was true at that moment of my life: masturbation, stuttering, withdrawal into myself, Thiaoouba – everything.
It was not easy to publish such a message, since I thought something terrible would happen. In the end, everything was quite calm. I only remember that one friend wrote a remark about my habit to “jerk off” and its sad consequence, and the creator of the groups in English, on the contrary, said that masturbation is normal and everyone masturbates. I must say that I really thought up to the point that I was almost the only one on the planet who masturbated. One of the village friends that I mentioned earlier asked me how I was doing. And the long-time school friend who hit me at the ninth-grade exams said that he understood now what was happening then. There was only one acquaintance with whom we met in the TV series group that wrote something negative either about a blowjob for five rubles, or about “cowardice” – in any case, it was the easiest removal of a person from the friend list in my life; I will only say that one needs to have a certain degree of courage, as well as knowledge, in order to tell such a truth about oneself to other people in our modern society. In general – it was exactly the same day as all the others – nothing not only did not explode anywhere, but on the contrary, those who wrote in the comments reacted with understanding, and the majority just did not give a damn.
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