While I was waiting for the parcel from the USA, I started playing GTA: Vice City. The very game that consumed me in the tenth grade, but this time I played it in English, and it was an official copy bought on Steam.
In those years, I was often very nervous and very easily annoyed, since even though I tried to strive for something, hoping that everything would change in the future, I could not forgive myself for my mistakes. I often yelled a lot if something did not work out for me, or if something just annoyed me. One of those days was no exception, and when I played the video game, I hit my laptop keyboard hard with my fist. It turned off, but still was able to turn on and continued to work properly. I was lucky then, but not having learned the lesson, I hit the laptop again, and this time it went out forever. This action was terrible also because a few months earlier, in a fit of anger, I broke up another laptop, which I bought for twenty-five thousand rubles, naively believing that I would go to the USA where I would need a laptop with Wi-Fi. I was in such a wild state then that nothing was left of the laptop screen. Somehow, I managed to persuade my mother to buy me a new cheap laptop for sixteen thousand – which I ruined with my blow. Earlier, when I had not yet worked as a merchandiser, I threw my twelve-thousand-ruble phone. The hit on the hard tile of the toilet deformed it so that the screen showed only white color. As a merchandiser, I saved up money for a new phone for about the same twelve or thirteen thousand. Alas, but it was also broken by me. Fortunately, I learned from mistakes after all and decided to buy myself the cheapest phone for a thousand rubles. It was just a cell phone that pleased me for a while. But it too was destined to fly out the open window of my apartment. As a result, I threw a little over sixty-six thousand rubles into the wind… and if you also count the replacement of the matrix of an old laptop with the purchase of an unnecessary, cheap monitor for a temporary screen, the figure will be even higher.
I think that this dark series of events made me realize that even though I found the truth about life thanks to Thiaoouba, I was not even remotely as happy as I was when I did not know what I learned later about life. Naturally, I treasured my experience with Thiaoouba and Thao, as well as my knowledge, but as soon as I remembered my mistakes, all my happiness and love for life immediately changed polarity.
Meanwhile, the laptop was delivered to the post office. I just needed to go there. In reality it was not so simple, but I managed to deal with my fears. The computer was fully operational and worked several times faster than the previous deceased brother. And after I bought an SSD, it became almost perfect. On that first day with a new laptop, I tried to note in my head that whatever would happen, I would not break it. It is March 29, 2020, and I am writing these lines on the same notebook that I have never “offended”, having learned from some of my mistakes.
Before breaking the laptop, I was enthusiastic to continue working as a programmer at home. But the fact that I continued to destroy the things around me greatly wrecked me. Many months passed before I again began to take up new projects from time to time.
Having a new laptop and no longer having the desire to work, I started playing video games on it, which used to run at five frames per second on minimal settings. But at that time, I could play StarCraft 2 and GTA IV on maximum settings.
There was a case when months earlier I started playing video games again after I got sick and lay in bed with a fever. I downloaded Quake II to kill time and have some nostalgia, and during the playthrough I received a message saying that I started playing again – I do not remember if it was a telepathic message or a message in a dream. I deleted the game and went doing other things and continued my self-education. But the seed was sown, and from then on, I began to buy games and play them from time to time, which took more of my time than I would like.
From time to time, I still tried to write scripts. I tried to develop one of the ideas to the end. My cousin suggested that I give it to read to one of her acquaintances on television. The script was called weak, which was not a big surprise, since I wrote it in a hurry and I was not really thinking about the spiritual, so to speak, side of the script. The story did try to teach the main characters something, but the execution was weak and banal. Naturally, not a single Hollywood studio was interested in this script.
But I also had a chance to find out two more things important to me. When the cousin came, whom I had not seen for a long time, she was clearly of old age. It was a surprise for me to see her very changed face, since the last time I remembered her she was a very beautiful woman, and in very early childhood I even had a little crush on her, not understanding then about family ties… But at the same time with that discovery happened another moment when I spoke, and this time she was in shock to look at my face. Remembering the video of myself that I recorded after the shock of the second prostitute, I perfectly understood what was the reason for that new awkward episode…
It was evening when I was sitting in bed with my laptop in my lap, trying to direct my imagination in the right direction of screenwriting. Then, for yet another time, I began to focus my mind on what is in the present and not in my imagination. I clearly remember how I realized then that my habit of fantasizing is a very serious thing that cannot be underestimated. It must be treated as a disease or something else that really threatens life.
As I already wrote, before during the moments of full presence in the present moment I became clouded over with sadness. I wanted to enjoy life, and not live in misery. Due to the scarcity of my spiritual and material knowledge at that time, I returned to imagination, motivating it with the fact that I actually knew from my own experience that it was very easy to get out of this state – you just need to focus on five senses, rejecting all other thoughts that have nothing to do with the surrounding reality.
But this time was different, and I was implacable in my decision to live in the present. Soon, I accidentally looked at my palm and saw on it something that most certainly had not been there before – a short line crossing over my life line.
I only read a little about palmistry. I cannot say that I totally believed in it, but I cannot say that I did not believe in it either. I am neutral in this matter, about which more serious scientific research should be conducted. Nevertheless, the knowledge that I had influenced my decisions. For example, I made a rather ridiculous decision to continue to masturbate based on the fact that under the little fingers of my hand there were lines that, as far as I know, in palmistry mean that a person will have children. I made myself believe that masturbation would not affect the search for my mate for life since I was “destined” to have children.
Then, a very long time ago I read about the case when a fortuneteller foretold a man on his arm that he was destined to die soon by suffocating. Fearing that someone would strangle him, he went to the desert where there would be absolutely no one. Soon, a sandstorm rose in the desert, and the man suffocated from a lack of oxygen. I used to think that story was true, not seeing some problem moments with logic of that story.
And so that evening I was staring at the newly formed short line on my palm, recalling what I wrote about in the previous paragraph, as well as the fact that a long time ago in the village I also had a clear red sport appear on my life line right when I was thinking of suicide, and it immediately disappeared after I came to my senses. I knew then that that short line was the direct consequence of my decision to completely rebuild my thinking and live in the present. And I thought I knew then that that short line crossing the life line means death. But I was relentless in my decision and did not intend to turn off, because I decided then that it would be better for me to die than to live in such a wildest state of consciousness when I could hardly be called a man. I thought that I already knew in this life everything that could be learned from my experience with imagination, and therefore there was no reason to return to that state of my own free will.
That night I had a dream where in the schoolyard in front of my house the father of my best childhood friend approached me. He told me then that there is still something to learn in this life.
When I woke up, I thought about the message of that dream and decided that I would continue to dream, but I would only do it “slightly”. The short line was no longer on my palm.
I decided to continue working, but soon realized that I was starting to get bored of working as a freelancer. Based on what projects I did, I decided to create my own website where I would sell my web applications. I made a couple of applications, made a website, and worked on the integration of a payment system. I remember how I wanted to make a feature of free trial of the application before buying it, and I had a button with the screaming name “Try before you buy!”
It was day and then suddenly I saw Thao"s face in front of my open eyes. The vision disappeared after a moment. One of the reasons for this vision was that it allowed me to understand that I did not want to trade anything at all, since it went against my nature, my principles and knowledge. I stopped working on the payment system and shifted my focus to ad units. As a result, that website with web applications never saw the light of day. Another indirect reason was that it was another indisputable evidence that Thao really existed, which meant that all the events described by Michel Desmarquet in the book Thiaoouba Prophecy really happened. Of course, I did not need any more evidence, and I did not look for it, but if earlier, in theory, someone could say that me seeing Thao’s face before my closed eyes right after sleep was some kind of a residual dream, or something like that, now it was no longer possible. I should also mention to you that to this day it was the only vision that I saw before my open eyes. All the others happened only when my eyes were closed.
By the way, until that event that happened during the day, I had a few more moments when after waking up I saw Thao"s face in front of my eyes closed. But once, instead of Thao, the face of Biastra appeared before me. Why? Firstly, the previous day I walked along the street and decided to stop thinking about what I should do, and starting to live in the present – it was a sign for me that I was on the right track. Such visions after sleep often occurred after I made the right decision on the previous day, and the unexpected vision of Thao in the middle of the day meant the opposite, that I was going the wrong way. And secondly, I think that this was before my vision of Biastra’s face, when I received a message saying that Thao was busy at that time and could not be distracted by me for some time – and for some considerable time after that message I actually stopped having dreams with Thao, and I did not have any other unusual occurrences happen to me. I realized then that the message was from Biastra.
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