I was thinking of going to the center and maybe approaching some girl. But there was a problem. This is very ridiculous, but every time my physical and psychological state was restored enough for a trip to the city center, I again went to porn sites, telling myself that I was fine, I just need to continue to be focused on the present after the end of my self-satisfaction session. It was difficult to focus my mind, and this cycle was repeated again, again, and again, each time greatly worsening my health. I could not go anywhere to get to know anyone. I tried to go out after another regression, going farther and farther every day, but the result was always the same. I often asked back then why do other people feel normal after masturbation, while I should suffer so much? “Where"s the justice?” – I thought again.
This health situation was very incomprehensible. When I was still working as a merchandiser, I sometimes had to run fast in order to be able to cross the street while the green light was on. I noticed then that I felt absolutely normal. Then, when I was no longer working, I ran around Cherkizovsky pond a couple of times; I ran about 2 kilometers per run. Everything was fine with my hearts too, and I could easily walk after a run. But as soon as I masturbated and got an orgasm – even if I did it very, very quickly, just to remove thoughts about sex from my head, and at the same time I wasted the least amount of physical strength – I immediately began to have heart problems, the rhythm of which began to be accelerated… I did not understand why. Internet searches also failed; I could only find the question of one person who had the same problems after masturbation as I did, but no one answered him anything useful…
Some time ago, I started watching Ancient Aliens. The first season seemed pretty good to me. Moreover, after many episodes I had unusual and rather mysterious dreams, many of which featured Thiaoouba and Thao.
In one dream, Thao told me that she died from poisoning after spraying gas in the middle of a crop field.
In another dream, Thao walked into the train carriage and then realized that it was too late (something bad happened). If I remember correctly, this realization came when the doors were closing.
There was another a dream, teaching about learning the basics of a computer program in order to use it the right way. At that time, I studied many computer programs, and I think that the dream was related to the fact that I immediately jumped to learning about the final functionality of those programs, and not learning about what lies at their basis – the foundation from which all the rest of the functionality is growing out. Having an understanding of the fundamental basis of something, we will be able to figure out and understand the principle of operation of everything that grows from that simple basis.
And another dream was different in that at the very end, when I climbed over the school fence, the picture stopped and three-dimensional words appeared in front of me. A male voice read them out loud: “The dream is coming soon. It is more upset than it is revealed”. Immediately I woke up, and after a second the noisy bank conditioners turned on. They would definitely wake me up since the noise was unbearable. By the way, I managed to get to the workwear shop on my street and buy construction headphones with good noise reduction; thanks to them, sleep has become much peaceful. As for the “coming dream,” it actually came during another night, and it really did not “reveal” much. But the reason for these dreams, as I think, was to show me that dreams that occur on different days can be the continuation of each other.
On the first of February 2011, I had a dream where I spoke with Thao, and when I asked her if it was her who helped me, she said that it was not (maybe she said that it was just a dream). Then I began to suspect that it was also a dream, and she was not the real Thao. I asked her to tell me about my Aura, expecting from her to answer that she sees black, but she said that the Aura was orange. In a dream, it was clear to me that she was not the real Thao, but when I woke up and looked up the meaning of the orange Aura, I discovered that it refers to sex and, like black, has a good connection to my essence.
I am writing about this dream because in the following months I had other dreams that featured the same beautiful girl with long blond hair, whom I considered Thao in those dreams, even though she was in a different body. In one dream the “other” Thao was sitting at the bench with me and with someone else. I think some guy started pestering her and I stood up for her, which cooled the bully, and the other Thao clearly noted my help. In another dream the same other Thao was in a dental clinic, and a female voice was telling me that people on all planets, no matter how depressed, take care of their health. This is not quite an accurate quote, since I did not record that dream at the time, but at that time I had a bad tooth, which I went to fill in a paid clinic long time ago. Caries formed on the side of my tooth next to other one, and I could not go to cure that tooth because of my health – once I started to lose consciousness on the dentist’s chair, which she fortunately noticed right away and gave me ammonia – and I was afraid that, due to poor health that I had at the time, I might get not well again.
As for the real Thao, there was another interesting dream in which she lived in a medieval European church. There were people covered in blood inside it, and they were afraid that I was a demon. They were looking for proof that I was not the demon, and when they got it, I walked inside and went to see Thao, interrupting her conversation with another man. They were both dressed in black clothes. We came back to the hall with people. Next we were going to go to a private room, and at that time an indecent thought about sex came out of my mind (in fact this was the same word that my classmate mentioned in the ninth grade), and Thao, having read it, fell silent, and the smile disappeared from her faces. We stayed with everyone else. Then, recalling my old dream about the dugout, I began to timidly ask her if werewolves actually exist. She said nothing and only frowned, lowering her eyes.
In another dream with Thao I “joked”, but she did not find it funny. The dream had to do with my habit of imagining different situations which, with my knowledge of the time, seemed normal, but in reality they were not.
I also had one single dream about Jesus. I only remember that I was sitting at a school desk in front of him, and I felt the same sense of awe that Michel Desmarquet had when he saw Thaora for the first time. I do not remember anything that was said in that dream, but I found the symbolism of the school theme where Jesus was a teacher.
When I finished watching the first season of the aforementioned program, I thought that I had learned a lot of new and interesting things since in general I liked the season. But then I started re-reading Thiaoouba Prophecy. I was slightly shocked at how much garbage was in my head after watching various programs about the unknown and ufology. That “knowledge” was essentially completely contrary to the truths in Michel Desmarquet"s book. Self-cleaning took some time, and I decided that, firstly, I would try to remember better what is written in the book, and secondly, I would try not to read and watch anything that relates to the above topics. In fact, this was no longer necessary, since I already had
Another important point of those times was that the return to computer games led me to discover streaming platforms, on which people play video games and stream this process on the Internet live. Almost all streamer sites have chats. The first such website that I found was www.Goodgame.ru, which was created by a person with the nickname Miker, and, as it turned out later, he was also called a “бобр” (beaver) for some reason. Earlier, while still in school, my friends and I watched his WarCraft 3 VODs; we often played that videogame with each other over the network. Since not everyone had a computer and the Internet, quite often we would get together to play the game in my house when my mother was in the village. Then I found out about www.twitch.tv, but I began to watch it only after many years, which was strange since it was a great opportunity to be learning English.
Speaking of which, I still learned English by watching videos on YouTube. In addition to educational informative videos, I also watched video games.
There was one guy playing “Thief”. I liked to discover the story of the game, and I liked with what diligence and expression that youtuber read the text, and indeed was immersed in the game world, giving it his soul. After watching his walkthrough of two parts of that game, I decided to watch his walkthrough of a game called “Dead Space”, which he recorded some time after Thief. This time he was playing not alone, but with a company of other people. At first, I did not attach much importance to some weird “jokes”. But when that guy started saying some unflattering things about the female character in that game, calling her by different swear words and gesturing with the main character behind her butt, I lost all respect for that person. Naturally, this was not because he clearly spoke maliciously about a non-existent computer character, it was because by such behavior he showed his disrespect for all women. Just in case, I decided to check out his latest video – what if the presence of his friends contributed to his disgusting behavior? This can happen. But no. The last video had as much obscene language as I had never heard while learning English. And in all this, one could clearly feel the hatred and bitterness towards everyone and everything. I unsubscribed from him and thought about writing a comment about it, so that perhaps this would somehow help him to become the same normal and interesting person that he used to be. But I did not dare to do this, because at that time I began to worry more and more what others might think of me or tell me something negative.
Speaking of negativity, I remember how someone wrote me a very rude comment and I was literally shaking while writing my answer, trying to better clarify the situation. I do not remember exactly what preceded such a regression, but maybe that moment with the Indian girl subconsciously contributed to such negative changes, as well as another unpleasant event when I was telling with stupors about my life story to a person who approached to me in a square where I was sitting. When I turned my head, I realized that some man with a newspaper in his hands was laughing at me. It was very unpleasant and in the following years I sometimes fantasized about what I could have done to him if I had a weapon – it was wrong, and I doomed myself to even greater suffering with that fantasy. I did not want to have negativity in my life and I often tried to avoid it, even if it meant not to open social networks for a long time.
I do not know why this was happening at that time… I remember how often I asked my mother in early childhood whether she loved me and wanted her to pity me. Perhaps I just wanted love and care, but could not get it from people?
Returning to the video games, I came across channel of a youtuber that became popular after the walkthrough of “Dead Rising 2: Case Zero”, and since then I watched almost only him because he was similar to me in many things, and, most importantly, he was a kind and decent person. Of course, he also used “bad” words, but in his intonation there was no signs of anger, which made those words not so bad.
Watching streams was taking a lot of my time, and I almost completely stopped studying and working. I remember how I spent literally all summer watching a streamer try to play through Half-Life 2 without dying. Looking back, it was a terrible waste of time, but there is a reason for everything… The only shining moment was in the fact that I stopped holding the grudge against the first episode of that game, admitting that I was to blame for scarring my lip, and not the game, which is just a tool.
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